Its 11PM, Do You Know Where Your Existential Crisis Is?

Sometimes its hard to say what is right and what is wrong... if Jesus were alive today would people put down what they were doing and listen to him or would they throw rocks and call him a supernatural devil man for performing miracles on the blind and deaf and mute?

I wonder if something amazing and ridiculously magical and wonderful were happening to me would i even know it or would i get scared and run away? When i take my cat to the pet hospital he bites, scratches and runs on the walls until everyone agrees that it would be best if we just put him back in his cat-carrier and skipped the rectal thermometer; but what if he really needed his temparature taken? What if we had taken his temp and diagnosed and cured him all in that one little visit filled with so much anxiety and stress for him, when all the while he is pissed and hissing down at us from on top of a shelf. Sometimes I think I must seem like that to those who have come along to heal me.

They Had to Find the Gayest Picture Ever

So CCN.com just ran this story about how Mr. Sulu from Star Trek just came out of the closet, which is great. But did they have to find *THE* gayest picture of all time to illustrate the point???

You're Working Hard to Put Food on Your Family

This link is to a Quicktime movie trailer for some upcoming Andy Dick mockumentary about presidential speechwriters. It has all these clips of hilarious Bush speeches. Can't wait to see it.

http://www.xroadsfilms.com/batescomedycentral/

Word to the Wise

Found on Flickr.

He Just Looks Innocent

Tony sent this to me cuz he thought it was funny. I agree.

Careful What You Manifest

According to the New York Daily News, Joaquin Laguer, 27, fainted and fell thru a glass display case and was nearly decapitated while getting a tattoo called "Last Rites" inked into his arm. He was pronounced dead at 2:22 pm.

Of course, my blog *is* called Gouge Your Eyes Out.

Showing The Commies & Homos Who's Boss

The Blue Angels made their annual stop in the Bay this last weekend. My friend and I were wandering around the city checking out local art at the Open Studios around the city and found ourselves smack dab in the middle of some low-flying clusterfuck, swooping and re-swooping low-lying areas and making loopdy-loops of jetfuel byproduct in the sky. I can't help but wonder... is this my tax dollars at work? Then I think (sadly) about all of the ass-crappings that take place in other parts of the world where these guys mean business. If I were an Iraqi goat herder and these freaks buzzed my muddy village I would probably think the aliens had arrived.

And what the hell is a "Blue Angel", anyway? Wasn't Lucifer, the great fallen angel, a kind of blue angel himself?

Doesn't the Navy have other stuff to do? I heard there was a city underwater somewhere...

Office Space

(names changed to protect the innocent)

/* friend */: lauren?
cyclona23: uh huh?
/* friend */: what am I going to do if I have a son like /* insert name */?
cyclona23: son like /* insert name */
cyclona23: who is /* insert name */
/* friend */: if someday I have a child
cyclona23: but who is /* insert name */ ???
/* friend */: and that child grows up into a /* insert full name */
cyclona23: oh, /* insert name */
cyclona23: yeah, that's my fear too
cyclona23: like a kid that wants to be an accountant
/* friend */: he just walked by and my soul broke a little.
cyclona23: and work at xerox
cyclona23: yeah
cyclona23: i would like to think you can groom them so they dont end up that way
cyclona23: but not too much grooming
/* friend */: don't be too sure
cyclona23: like just set a good example and be real with them
cyclona23: but dont preach or teach
/* friend */: dude, sometimes they are just weirdos
cyclona23: or maybe introduce them to /* insert name */
cyclona23: and then explain why /* insert name */ is a loser
/* friend */: and my family has them in places
cyclona23: to them
/* friend */: ha
cyclona23: yeah, my family has random wierdos too
cyclona23: but not /* insert name */
cyclona23: more like /* insert name 2 */ 's
cyclona23: gross
cyclona23: hella gross
/* friend */: /* insert full name 2 */?
/* friend */: god
cyclona23: like my uncle who fucked the chick from walmart that peed on him
/* friend */: yeah, i don't know what I'd do with that
/* friend */: HAAHAHAHA
/* friend */: stop
cyclona23: and said she was marking his territory
/* friend */: that cracks me up
cyclona23: or my uncle who lives on a houseboat called the owl and
cyclona23: is a gynecologist for the mafia
/* friend */: yeah, my family isn't like that as far as I know.
cyclona23: that's good
cyclona23: trust, /* insert name */ is the least of your problems
/* friend */: they have more people who never get married because they'd rather learn latin in their spare time.
/* friend */: my family
cyclona23: that's ok. you have recessive spock genes
cyclona23: you'll end up with a /* insert name 3 */
/* friend */: ok, that's not bad
/* friend */: totally
/* friend */: I would still feel bad for him
/* friend */: but he's got resources that kid
cyclona23: nah, you'd totally be into it i bet
/* friend */: he's master of his own world
cyclona23: you'd be like, balance my checkbook
cyclona23: when they're like 3
cyclona23: do my taxes
cyclona23: calculate my ovulation schedule for the next 10 years
/* friend */: ha
cyclona23: find me a decent interest rate on this house
cyclona23: program the dvd player
/* friend */: ahhhh, to breed the useful kind
/* friend */: years and years of payoff
cyclona23: werd

I Know All About Fine Wine

So my friend from high school and I went daytripping up the coast and ended up spending a gorgeous, sunny afternoon kayaking in the Russian River around Monte Rio, California (a quaint suburb of the booming metropolis of Guerneville). You will know when you are in Monte Rio as there is a large sign that greets us visitors in the middle of town declaring it "The Vacation Wonderland". LJ got a kick out of that.

So we were kind of hungry and stopped at Fern's General Store and happened across this bottle of fine wine by Cleavage Creek Vineyards. Classy, non?

Hey, did somebody sneak some of that crystal meth into my tobakky? Am I tripping... how hilarious is that? The only thing that might be funnier is that when I came home I did a Google™ search on it only to come up with a bunch of porn sites that have sandwiched the words "cleavage" and "wine" together as hidden text in an effort to get more hits on their sleazy websites. I thought the brainiacs at Google™ sit around all day thinking up ways to outfox these porn guys with all their mathmatical algorithms so my searches don't come up with this crap when I am looking for my fine bottle of Cleavage wine? Luckily our friends at Alltheweb.com had my back and I found the Cleavage Creek website after all. But some of the funnier sentences that came up in my crappy Google search include (cover your eyes, kids, these quotes are not for the squeamish):

"Fast-flying cleavage wine and dine the organic bust with precatory milf hunter username and password pussy."

"Defiled cleavage wine pantyhose winnie cooper and dine the sawed-off cock with semicomatose cunny. Plumelike pubes dispose of the extracellular areola with forbidden pantyhose winnie cooper milkers. "

"Widespread cleavage wine and dine the endemic gash thai handjob with interdependent cock. Unpredictable orbs rehabilitate the working salami with thai handjob acquitted back."

Come on, you know its just funny. It's like some hideous robotic porn-beast exploded and sprayed my computer screen with bits of its disjointed horny syntax corpse.